Still others identify my son as a unicorn - a mythical animal never before seen - and recognize that he does, indeed, exist and need different things for his survival.
Sometimes, staff insist on ridiculously inappropriate methods that always fail, leaving them baffled, but still unwilling to try other methods.Ī rare handful of the best educators have recognized that we, as parents, know our child best and have actually implemented proven “cat” methods with positive, rewarding results. Many school staff remain in denial that children like mine exist, despite the clear evidence in front of them. Working with his school to develop and implement a detailed IEP that works for him is difficult, ongoing work. We try to see ourselves as coaches now rather than parents. But this is hard, and requires a total change in all thinking about parenting. Sudden demands will nearly always be met with refusal, so we try never to make them. Required tasks must be backed by science and logic, and we must give him time to understand and decide to cooperate, even with all the evidence laid out. We have even negotiated a complex shot protocol with several steps, each of which we carefully carry out to his specifications.) (For example, he hates getting shots, but he cooperates because we explain that they protect him from disease.
We creatively problem-solve for undesirable things that must be done, explaining the logic and science behind solutions. Now that the trust is established, we treat each other mostly respectfully as equal adults (he’s 12). It took years for him to trust that we really weren’t going to try to force him to do things. Instead, I focus on guiding him toward cooperation. I have accepted that I will never be able to force my child to do anything. Cooperation, however, is very possible, and far more likely when you relinquish the idea of compliance. PDA means that, for my son, compliance is impossible.
The latter is a term increasingly used to describe autistic children who exhibit extreme resistance to demands and requests, no matter how big or small, even if the demands are of obvious benefit and interest to them. I’ve used the cat-dog metaphor to describe what it’s like to raise my son, who is gifted with ADHD and autistic PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance Even though cats have similar traits, it’s important to understand that each cat is unique, and to accept that many things that work well for other cats might not work for yours. What has helped is finding people who have cats themselves and asking them what is effective with their cats.
I’ve learned to limit contact with people who insist I have a dog, and especially those who try to force dog methods on my cat while criticizing my cat methods. Those who treat my cat like a cat early on end up with far more rewarding relationships. Treating him like a dog who can be compliant only results in significant frustration for all involved. I see and acknowledge that I have a cat (despite his often looking like a dog to others!). People who think I have a dog may “helpfully suggest” compliance training methods, but I know from experience that most dog methods don’t work on my cat. They refuse my explanations to the contrary. While people understand and accept that cats don’t do dog things, many continue to insist that my cat is a dog, and that my cat can do dog things. Like most cats, my cat will not follow orders to sit and stay - even when so directed by experts who have successfully trained thousands of dogs to do these things on command. My cat is amazing, but most people insist that he is a dog. Over time, I have developed this metaphor to help describe our experiences, as well as our different parenting style: Most people have dogs, but I have a cat. One of the most challenging parts of raising a unique child is accurately explaining who he is and how our lives operate to family, friends, teachers, and others.
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